Isn't it enough
by Orton
Summary: Ted's thoughts on his life and friends


Isn't it enough   
  
Ted's POV 

My name is Theodore Schmidt. I am thirty-five years old. That's pretty much me. I mean my life hasn't got any meaning to it, not lately anyway. I mean it did once, but now I feel like a ghost of whom I use to be. How about I tell you a story about myself. Okay according to some people I'm not your Brad Pitt, but then again who is, and then again who caresâ I guess I wouldn't have said that a few years back, but now I realise that there is more to life than looks. I wish I had gotten that through my head then. So anyway I was an accountant, I made a decent living. Then one day my boss comes in and sees me watching a porn site, and you guessed it I got fired. I spouted off this crap off being discriminated against, because I was gay, but I knew it was a lie. He saw me doing something that was wrong, and even though the other guys watched women on their screens, he was yet to catch them. So I left I never cared for being an accountant. I guess I was scared. I've always been practical and loosing the job that made be practical scared me. So after getting fired, I spent my time watching porn and jerking-off not bothering to shower or shave. That was until Michael, Emmett and Brian came to my rescue. They gave me a reality slap that I needed, and I was grateful. I was even grateful to Brian he did get me a job, even though I knew I didn't want to be an accountant again, but I was still grateful to him. So I gave back all the porn that I rented, suited back in my suit, and I felt practicalâagain.

Going back to the same offices and the same job, I felt like I was drowning, I just knew I couldn't do this again. And that is when my life changed. Walking past a computer store, I casually looked in through the window, to see a computer and a web cam, and the thought just clicked to me. So I quit the job Brian gave me, and I headed out to Woody's to meet up with the gang. After buying shots for them all, I told them I was going to start my own Porn site, some were shockedâBrian as usual just laughed at me or maybe the absurdity of the situation, but at least they congratulated me at the end. I guess Michael and me both found our calling that day, and it was great.

After realising my dream, I loved every minute of it. My life was just on a high, and all of it started because of Emmett, and even if I never told him then, I was forever grateful for when he jerked off, when Zach couldn't make it, after awhile I realised that Emmett was always there for me, more than a best friend needs to be, and I guess I just started to fall in love with, and when he started to love me back as a lover I felt like my world was about as great as it could get. After a while my site Jerk at work dot net sky rocketed, I was officially named the Porn King, and Emmett even received an award, I was being recognised, and it felt great. But I guess all good things come to an end. Stockwell and his lackeys closed down my site after finding out that my assistant was a minor, and then my life fell.

Emmett tried to help, me through my dark time. I don't know why I couldn't just let him help me it was too much. He was becoming successful and it killed me to be angry and jealous at him, because he was happy and I had lost everything. So I pushed him away and everyone else and became a meth queen. I even stole from Gus I know that I would never forgive myself because of that. I stole from friends and I stole from a child that was like a nephew to me. And even knowing all this Emmett still stood my side and even called Melanie a cunt he stuck up for me. This man went against all his friends for me, and I shoved it all back in his face.

After Stockwell lost I put myself through the Clinic, enough was enough I needed help, and I sucked all my pride and even though some may say I never had any doing this they never knew what it felt like when everything in your life got ripped away from you. So I went and I learned that it wasn't wrong what I did, I was hurting and I felt more consoled and at home than I had in many months. And to my surprise Blake was there he was now a counsellorâ how ironic. I was the one who tried to help him in the beginning and now the roles reversed. But I was glad that he got better, it made me proud and it made me stronger knowing that if a man like him could almost die from an overdose on meth and become clean, then so could I. So I did I got better and I remembered whom I wasâ but I knew that wasn't who I wanted to be.

People saw me as boring bland Ted. Can't get anyone the only man who could truly love him was his best friend. Well I say fuck them they don't know me. It hurt me to be that man the man everyone pitied the man everyone hated the man everyone was weary and cautious aroundâ it hurt me so much. But I never said anything, but inside I was screaming, why couldn't people see that I wasn't those things. That I may not be a Brian Kinney or an Emmett, I was me and it was enoughâ that me being me was enough, and that they would love me anyway. But no they didn't see, guys in Babylon would look past me, my friends would lecture me or make fun of me. And it hurt more than they ever knew. But I sucked it at the time, and gave sarcastic comments and took advice from Brian, Michael, Emmett and Debbie, and just continued to be a man that I wished just died. And he did after going through what I did I guess I did die. But I never lost a part of me that I wanted anywayâ so now I can start new a new slateâ a new beginning. So here I am sitting here writing this letter to my family and my lover and telling them how much having them in my life meant, that I was grateful knowing them, but I knew I couldn't stay here in Pittsburgh my time here expired along time ago, and I realise that now. So here I am walking down to Deb's where I know everyone is having Sunday night dinner. I post the letter through the letterbox, I touch the door one last time, and I smile at the happy laughter coming from inside. Maybe they will miss me but then again maybe they won't notice, but that seizes to matter, because I am happy now because I am walking down the long road to a life that is waiting on the other side of the rainbow, and I know I made the right decision.

Debbie got of her chair, and walked to the front door she thought she heard someone knock and she hoped it was Ted. But lying on her rug were envelopes. Picking them up from the floor, Debbie ventured back into the kitchen where everyone was laughing and talking. Seeing the look on his mother's face, Michael asked if everything was all right. Shrugging Debbie opened the letter and started to read it out aloud.

I guess by the time you read this letter I will be gone. Okay I know that sounded cliché like but it's the truth. I'm leaving the city my life here isn't what I wanted it to be it never I was. I just didn't think I could handle being here for another second. Too much ended here. And I'm tired I am so tired of loosing. So why not leave. I know what has happened over the past few months was hard on everyone especially you Emmett, and I am so sorry to you an you all. I love you all like my family. We've had our good times and our bad times. But I guess sometimes you need to find yourselfâ and when you do you can start to love yourself and everyone around you. So that's why I guess I'm leaving, maybe not forever, but maybeâ I'm not sure what is going to happen nowâ I guess that the thrill of it. I have written all you an individual letter, I guess I had some personal issues that I wanted to say to each of you, and I didn't think it would appropriate to broadcast them to everyone else. Anyway I love you guys and I hope that ours paths may cross again, in the near future.

Love

Ted.

Debbie wiped a stray tear that had slipped past here eye. Melanie was crying silently, while Lindsey sobbed quietly. Emmett eyes were red and bloodshot. Michael and Ben were in shock. Justin was looking down, and Brian for once was speechless. Debbie passed each of them their letter; she first gave Melanie hers, and then passed Lindsey's hers. She then passed Michael, and even Ben their letter. She placed Brian's and Justin's down in front of them. And lastly she gave a thicker envelope to Emmett, who took it with a shaky hand. She held her own letter with it she headed up to her bedroom and clicked the door closed.

"Australia airline is now boarding", said the flight attendant at the Pittsburgh Airport. Ted stood up and went to the boarding gate, getting his ticket checked he walked through the tunnel. Entering the large plane he found his seat. He buckled down, and looked out the window. Closing his eyes he sighed a content sigh, and smiled a genuine smile.


End file.
